Monday, 17 September 2007

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  A Living, Breathing Possibility - Chapter 2: Integrity

  INTEGRITY
  BEING YOUR WORD
  IN ALL THINGS

  "A promise is a promise, in my eyes
  Can't say you're gonna just to compromise
  The very thing that keeps two hearts intertwined
  A promise is a promise you can't deny, there's no way
  A man's only as good as his word"
  - India Arie, Promises

  You were scratching your head again, and fidgeting about.  With your index finger resting horizontally over your top lip, you were looking out of the window of our little neighborhood coffee shop. It only took a moment before you turned back to me waving your hand.  "I'm not sure I know how to explain this." you said.  "This next part seems a little weird.  "Try me." I replied taking a sip of my rusty water, "It's not as if I haven't told you weirder stories... Really, I'm not gonna laugh." You heaved a big sigh and agreed to continue.

  You said that when you woke up on that 2nd day, you didn't even open your eyes, yet... you saw something.  Almost as if it were some vision being projected onto the inside of your eyelids.  At first, you couldn't make it out, but the longer you looked... it became clearer... something that looked like a floating wheel.  You saw the look on my face, and I assured you that I just wanted to know what kind of wheel it was.  "Kind of like a wagon wheel." you said dismissively.  It was spinning really fast, but the longer you looked at it, the more problems you could see.  Many of the spokes were missing, and it had an unmistakeable "wobble" to it.  If you didn't know better, you confided... it looked like it could just fly off at any moment.  Fly off of "what", you couldn't guess... but it seemed clear to you that the wheel was in trouble.  I commented that this "vision" of yours was ironic, considering how much our pupils resemble wagon wheels... and that people always thought that eyes were windows into a person's soul.  I'd only meant it as a joke, but I remember you stared at me for a few moments with this searching expression... as if I'd suddenly put another puzzle piece in place for you.  "Yeah... I guess people do say that," you said, and then continued your story.

  Your body was up again at 6 in the morning, exercising rigorously on the floor of your room.  You could feel your muscles wince from your exercise the previous day, but even as an observer, you almost reveled in your movements.  In place of your normal distractions, you could sense a determination that wasn't about focusing on a goal (as it had been yesterday), so much as it was about... about... making your word... your promise to yourself... a reality.  It felt powerful.  Every time your eyes closed, you could make out that wheel... spinning... moving along some invisible roadway.  After your shower, your body moved to the kitchen, and to the list you'd prepared earlier. 

  Something strange occurred to you about yesterday.  You remembered talking to your supervisor and saying that you needed to take some personal time today, and asked if that would be okay.  She'd agreed it would be fine, considering you almost never took vacations, and asked if everything was okay.  The words that you spoke assured her that you'd be okay, but that you had to take some personal time due to an unexpected event.  You hadn't thought much of it, but as you sat at your table this morning, it occurred to you that you didn't need to get up this early today... yet there you were, acting as if you had a full day of work ahead of you.  Even more curious, you could sense a growing agitation as you felt your mind wash over an assortment of details, past conversations, things that you'd said to different friends and family.  You felt your hand moving.  It was meticulously creating another list on a blank scrap of paper.  Instead of things to do, this list seemed to be comprised of people.  As you saw the names being written one after another, your heart sank. You hadn't called your grandmother in the last couple of weeks, and... and you'd said you would the last time you visited.  Edward... you told him you'd help him with to set up his stereo system a couple of months back, and he'd asked that you let him know when you'd be available.  Carmen, Rosa's daughter from next door... you remember helping her with her class project last week.  You were supposed to call her back this past Sunday and see if she had any more questions about astronomy (one of your favorite hobbies).  The list went on and on.  You even remembered people you'd promised to keep in touch with... and the years... the years that had passed since.

  At this point, you seemed a little choked up.  You waved off my questions however, and explained that its so easy to lose track of time.  You were staring at the table between us now, your eyes a little watery as you picked at the surface of the table with your fingernails.  "One day, you wake up, and its been 10 years since he died, and you'd never contacted your best friend's family again." You went on to say that your body, without being lost in thought as you were, was busy compiling a list of phone numbers to go with each of the names on the list.  Your mind was panicing you said... but through it all, there was this benign resignation to the task ahead.  "This is what I need to do", you had heard something say.  For the better part of 3 hours, you continued making call after call, until you got to the end of your long list.  Most everyone was happy to hear from you.  They'd thought you'd fallen off the earth.  "No such luck," you'd said, "Can't get rid of me that easily."  A few asked if you'd recently had some type of religious experience, or if you were attending some kind of self-help seminar.  With some you made appointments for next the week.  You'd go see them again.  Be with them.  Help them as you'd promised.  With others, if was simply enough that you called at all.  Still others nearly hung up on you within the first 10 seconds of hearing your voice, while still others did exactly that.

  Your eyes closed again, as if you were meditating.  You went on to tell me how you completed your day by meeting a few people in person, before returning home to once again complete your daily routine.  You didn't remember doing much physical labor today, but you described how you couldn't help feeling exhausted.  As if you'd run some kind of marathon.  From what you described however... your mind felt lighter than it had ever felt.  As if you were perched on a cloud somewhere, and you couldn't quite adjust for it.  You explained with a far-off look, how it was like your first time driving an SUV... you were still driving a car, but you felt so conscious to how far above the ground you were.

  Sleep claimed you quickly that night.  Rapt with some transcendant wonder, your eyes stared out into the darkness, toward your ceiling, and without blinking, you felt tears roll down the sides of your face.  There again in the void spun that wagon wheel.  As it turned ever so slowly, it clearly seemed stronger than it had this morning.  Every spoke in place.  Every bounce it made, seemed like nothing.  It wasn't perfect, it had chips and dings... but there was no mistaking it.  It looked like it would roll forever.  In almost no time, you must have been asleep, you explained later.  It had to have been the best night's sleep you'd had in forever.

  To Be Continued...
  Originally posted January 11, 2007
  

  _________________________________________
  
  I think of when there was a young boy,
  not even two years old
  Blessed with a mother who loved him so,
  she abandoned her dreams
  to nourish his own
  It wasn't easy for the two of them,
  but she knew she had to give him a chance
  At a better life, it was only right,
  so she worked and she prayed
  And she did, just what she said,
  for that he'll love her forever
  She kept her word to him,
  for that he'll love her forever
  - India Arie, Promises

   

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